A Simple Tutorial To Calculate Your T.D.E.E.

Hello friends! Today’s video is a basic tutorial for www.tdeecalculator.net! I have discussed this with you a bit in the past, but I thought that it might be helpful to have a little talk through!

I have no affiliation with tdeecalculator.net, I just really find this to be a useful tool!

For reference, please see my previous blogs regarding the subject here and here.

What I am attempting to do is start at the beginning with my diet and plan something around that without having to purchase expensive meal plans, or even expensive food items, so that I can show you how (and re-develop for myself) to build this foundation for yourself!

My theory is that it will be far easier to stick to these parameters if you can set them for yourself and know the basics of the why.

Good luck!

xoxo

-S

A Very Fun Plant Unboxing!

Oh no! I forgot to schedule this to publish when the video posted!

So I didn’t do the best job with the lighting and backdrop on this video! It’s time for me to start planning things out a little bit better! That being said I sure hope you enjoyed my order from PlantDoze!

Plants listed in today’s video:

Scindapsus Pictus: Silver Pothos, Scin Pic, Satin Pothos
Hardiness Zone: 10-12
Bloom Season: Summer
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun
Grows To: 4″ – 10″

Huernia Zebrina: Stinky Flower, Life Saver Plant
Hardiness Zone: 9b-11
Sun Requirement: Full Sun to Partial Shade
Grows To: 6″ – 8″

Philodendron Hederacum Lemon Lime: Lemon Lime Philodendron
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 8″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 45 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Epripremnum Pinnatum: Cebu Blue
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 8″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 45 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

While researching for and writing this article, I have come up with an idea for a plant index. I will be spending some time working on this and I will let you know as soon as I have anything posted/live!

To change the subject ever-so-slightly, I am completely amazed at the simplicity and ease of adding a moss pole to a potted plant. I’ve been trepidatious about it for years and as you saw it took literally two minutes and I’m certain my plant will be happier for it!

In other news I have some exciting content coming up and I’ve worked out a content schedule so that I’m not so all over the place and we can keep things in line! At some point I may have to create a different channel or something for some of it, but right now we are going to keep going in this direction.

As always thank you so much for following me and I hope that if you got anything out of the video you will like/share/subscribe and do all the things!

xoxo

-S

Why I’m Fat; and so are you. . .

Kind of a catchy title, right? You clicked on it didn’t you? Well that’s somewhat misleading because in this video I absolutely get down to the nitty gritty about my issues with weight and my poor relationship with food. I’m talking crappy-boyfriend-who-tears-you-down-to-nothing-and-tells-you-he-loves-you-and-you’re-lucky-because-no-one-else-will kind of bad relationship with food.

That’s it. That’s your warning.

Today’s video is not funny, it’s actually pretty heavy and emotional. It was not easy for me to gather my thoughts together to make a comprehensive video out of this, and I still don’t feel like I covered it all – but the video is a half an hour long. I have a plan to make a serious out of this where I will teach things that I learn along the way, as well as offer encouragement and support.

I do worry that some people may watch this and truly have hurt feelings or an emotional wound afterward. Please don’t. Remember that this is me and my choices that got me here; and it’s my journey to fix that. I want to be an inspiration and beacon of hope for anyone out there, even it is just one person, who feels like they have a path similar to mine, feels like they look similar to me, or just needs someone to go down this road with. That is the reason I felt that it was important to get all the ugly stuff out there this week. So here it is:

This right here is a giant hug from me to you.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((xoxo))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I definitely do NOT have it in me to have a personal face to face discussion about this right now, but this is something we can share just between us.

I feel as though we are going to go down the road of some serious talks in order to really push forward. I am going to try my best to mix in some lighthearted/fun/funny videos so that you don’t leave my channel emotionally drained each week!

Let’s get down to brass tacks. I really don’t want to verbatim copy what I said in the video. It took me several weeks of filming and editing to get it to the state it is in because of the emotional toll it took on me as well.

I want to reference this post of mine that gives a few more/different details.

There is a category right at the header of my blog that is entitled “UnChunk”. I’ve put quite a few good resources in there, and now I will be devoting some more time and energy to adding more.

Eating disorders are serious business. They are strange because they are a mental health issue, first and foremost, and mental health is still something that is hard for people to grasp the severity of because it is effectively invisible. Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and with people of all shapes and sizes. They are looked down upon as being disgusting or attention seeking. While some of that may be true, that probably accounts for .001% of people who actually suffer with an eating disorder of some kind. 28.8 Million Americans will have an eating disorder in their life time. I’ll say it again.

28.8 MILLION AMERICANS WILL HAVE AN EATING DISORDER IN THEIR LIFETIME.

Please. Click on that link. I will wait.

If you are suffering there is help. And please! Everyone stop shaming this! Not every person with an eating disorder is a 68lb, 19 year old, middle class, white woman.

I don’t chose to let this define me. I don’t even necessarily identify with it other than to put a face to the name, so-to-speak, and help to explain.

I’ll tell you this. I am ready to fight back and to overcome. Like I mentioned at the end of the video I feel elevated not sad. Optimistic not hopeless.

Please use the comment section as a place to hold a safe and healthy discussion about weight concerns. No-one should be excluded. Even if you’re just looking to lose those last five pounds! Everyone has their own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. AND everyone’s are valid. Love and support one another.

Tell me what you’re going through if you’re ready. What do you struggle with? What are your goals? What have you found to help you along the way?

The only thing that is off limits is “tips” in order to stay in the disordered mindset. You know who you are. I know what it looks like. Don’t try it.

I love you guys. Thank you so much for continuing to come back. Thank you so much for watching my videos.

Love yourself today.

xoxo

-S

P.S. – I KNOW! I need to find somewhere else besides my car to chat with you. I’m working on it. xoxoxoxoxo

Getting To Know All About Me…

There isn’t really too much to add to today’s video.

Here are the questions I answered.

Why don’t you answer anything you want down below? That way we can get to know each other! Just make sure you reference the question! I’d love to play this game every once-in-a-while, so if you can think of anything you’d like to know just ask it! I’d really like to do a true Q&A, but I think I’ll need a few more subscribers first. 😉 In the mean time maybe we can find more pre-made lists! What fun!

xoxo

-S

Wyoming Country Thunderstorm

Just another thunderstorm video!

I hope to update my sound equipment sometime so I can do starry nights, lazy afternoons, ice, winter, fall leaves, and all kinds of stuff like that.

Would you like to see a version of these videos with music as well?

xoxo

-S

I’ll see your crazy cat lady and raise you a crazy plant lady…

*** First of all! ***

My intention is to post two videos a week. My intention is to post those videos on Wednesday and Saturday. YouTube likes to mess with my OCD and just let videos sit in an upload loop. So first of all, know that I am working pretty diligently to stay on that schedule, and second of all, know that I am devising a plant to get several videos uploaded in a queue so that we maybe can avoid this tardiness issue from now on, yeah?

SO! Here is the video: FINALLY!!!!!

Oh boy, that’s a LONG one, and let me tell you, I could have gone longer. I hope you were in the mood for a total hang out sesh there!

Lets cover the “Don’t Come at Me’s” LOL!

I know that my porch is a disaster zone – it wasn’t after I was done filming as you can see at the end. (Can you believe I was going to add a clean-up element to that video? HA! Ambition! Nobody wants a 3 hour video, my goodness!)

I know the fish tank water is YUCK – we have well water, it doesn’t even take three weeks to get that bad. I’m not abusing my fish. His name is Orangey, by the way. The sole survivor of the winter freeze. I’ve blogged about these babies in the years past. Here and I thought a couple of other places, but perhaps not.

My plants were dusty and thirsty – they got a wipe down and a good drink, some even got pruned, fertilized, and/or repotted. Plant chores got did!

NEXT! Let’s give some Etsy love!

MY FAVORITE PLANT SHOP!: https://www.etsy.com/shop/PlantDoze

The shops I got the black goldfish plants from: https://www.etsy.com/shop/JulliganIslandPlants
https://www.etsy.com/shop/TropicalAmbiance

Cute plant sticker shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/AquatiqueArtiste

And now for the educational element of this post!

I included the scientific names of all the plants on the video because I think it’s important to know. Plants have a lot of different common names, and a lot of different types share a common name, so if you really need some specific information, it’s good to know. I would like to just give you a brief run down! While my OCD brain would like for everything to be in alphabetical order, I want this to be a true companion post for the video, so I am going to go in chronological order as they are shown in the video.

Nematanthus Hybrid: Black Goldfish Plant
Hardiness Zone: 10
Bloom Season: Everbloomer
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 4″ – 8″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 60 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower, Good for a Hanging Basket

Crassula Ovata: Jade Plant
Hardiness Zone: 9-12
Bloom Season: Intermittent
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 2′ – 9′

Vinca Major: Vinca Vine
Bloom Season: Spring, Summer
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 3′

Campsis Radieans: Trumpet Vine
Hardiness Zone: 5 – 9
Bloom Season: Summer
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 20′ – 40 ‘

Lathyrus Odoratus: Sweat Pea
Hardiness Zone: 2 – 11
Bloom Season: Summer
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 5′ – 6′

Tradescantia Spathacea: Boat Lily, Moses in the Bull Rushes; Cradle of Jerusalem, Moses in the Cradle
Hardiness Zone: 10
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 12″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 60 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Spathiphyllum: Peace Lily
Bloom Season: Intermittent
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shad
Grows To: 1′ – 3′

Kalanchoe Blossfeldiana: Flaming Katy
Hardiness Zone: 10 – 12
Bloom Season: Spring – Summer
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 6″ – 2′

Begonia X Semperflorens – Cultorum: Wax Begonia
Bloom Season: Summer
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 10″

Hedera Helix: English Ivy
Hardiness Zone: 5 – 10
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: Indeterminate

Kalanchoe Diagremontiana: Mother of Thousands; Mexican Hat Plant
Sun Requirement: Full Sun
Grows To: 10″

Dracaena Sanderiana: Lucky Bamboo
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 3′

Haworthiopsis Attenuata: Zebra Plant
Bloom Season: Summer
Sun Requirement: Full Sun
Grows To: 6″

Schefflera Actinophylla: Umbrella Tree, Octopus Plant
Hardiness Zone: 11 – 12
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun
Grows To: Indeterminate

Amaryllis: Amaryllis
Hardiness Zone: 8, 9, 10
Bloom Season: Winter
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 18-24″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 40 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Crassula Connata: Pygmy Weed
Hardiness Zone: 10 – 12
Bloom Season: Spring – Summer
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 6″ – 2′

Chlorophytum Comosum: Spider Plant, Airplane Plant
Hardiness Zone: 9 – 11
Bloom Season: Everbloomer
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun
Grows To: 1′ – 2′
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Dracaena Fragrans: Corn Stalk Plant
Hardiness Zone: 10 – 12
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun
Grows To: 10′ – 15′

Epripremnum Aureum Jade: Jade Pothos
Hardiness Zone: 11
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 8″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 45 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Oxalis Triangularis: Shamrock
Hardiness Zone: 7 – 10
Bloom Season: Everbloomer
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun
Grows To: 16″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 50 F

Echeveria Lilacina: Echeveria Ghost
Hardiness Zone: 9 – 12
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 6″

Kalanchoe Tomentosa: Panda Plant
Hardiness Zone: 11 – 12
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 1′ – 3′

Euphorbia Tirucalli: Pencil Cactus, Sticks on Fire
Hardiness Zone: 10 – 12
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 4′ – 8′

Philodendron Hederaceum Brasil: Philodendron Brasil
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 8″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 45 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Epripremnum Aureum Neon: Neon Pothos
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 8″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 45 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Epipremnum Aureum NJoy: Pothos NJoy
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 8″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 45 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Schefflera Aboricola: Umbrella Tree
Hardiness Zone: 11 – 12
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun
Grows To: Indeterminate

Peperomia Argyreia: Watermelon Peperomia
Hardiness Zone: 10
Bloom Season: Summer
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun
Grows To: 8″ – 10″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 60 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Cyclamen Persicum: Cyclamen
Hardiness Zone: 5 – 9
Bloom Season: Fall, Spring
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun
Grows To: 3″ – 6″

Anethum Graveolens: Asparagus Fern; Dill Fern
Hardiness Zone: 2 – 11
Sun Requirement: Full Sun
Grows To: 3′

Schlumbergera: Christmas Cactus
Hardiness Zone: 10
Bloom Season: Winter
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun
Grows To: 8″ – 10″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 60 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Dieffenbachia: Dumb Cane
Hardiness Zone: 11 – 12
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun
Grows To: Indeterminate

Monstera Deliciosa: Monstera
Hardiness Zone: 10
Bloom Season: Intermittent
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 3′ – 8′
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 40 F

Ananas Comosus: Pineapple
Hardiness Zone: 11 – 12
Sun Requirement: Full Sun
Grows To: 3′ – 4′

Pediocactus Simpsonii: Common Western Barrel Cactus
Hardiness Zone:
Bloom Season:
Sun Requirement:
Grows To:
Minimum Temperature Indoors:
Plant Type:

Syngonium Angustatum: Unkn
Hardiness Zone: 9
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 2″ – 5″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 40 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Nephrolepis Exaltata: Boston Fern
Hardiness Zone: 2 – 11
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 3′

Asparagus Setaceus: Lace Fern
Hardiness Zone: 2 – 11
Sun Requirement: Shade
Grows To: 3′

Muehlenbeckia Axillaris: Wire Vine, Angel Vine
Hardiness Zone: 2 – 11
Sun Requirement: Full Sun
Grows To: 3′

Codiaum Variegatum Pictum: Superstar Croton
Hardiness Zone: 9 – 11
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 8′ – 10′

Delairia Odorata: German Ivy
Hardiness Zone: 5 – 10
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: Indeterminate

Vitis Vinifera: Woodbine
Hardiness Zone: 4 – 8
Bloom Season: Late Summer
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: Indeterminate

Tradescantia Zebrina: Wandering Jew
Hardiness Zone: 9 – 12
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: Indeterminate

Euphorbia Trigona: African Milk Tree
Hardiness Zone: 9 – 12
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 3′ – 5′

Sempervivum Tectorum: Hens and Chicks
Hardiness Zone: 3 – 8
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 4″

Aegagropila Linnaei: Marimo Moss Ball (May be bad news; do your own research)
Water Plant

Plectranthus Scuttellarioides – ?: Coleus
Hardiness Zone: 10 – 12
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 1′ – 3′

Ipomoea Batatas: Sweet Potato Vine
Hardiness Zone: 6 – 8
Bloom Season: Late Summer
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: Indeterminate

Syngonium Podophyllum: Unkn
Hardiness Zone: 9
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 2″ – 5″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 40 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Coriandrum Sativum: Cilantro
Hardiness Zone: 9 – 11
Sun Requirement: Full Sun
Grows To: 1′ – 3′

Ocimum Basilicum: Basil
Hardiness Zone: 9 – 11
Bloom Season: Summer
Sun Requirement: Full Sun
Grows To: 1′ – 3′

Allium Shoenoprasum: Chives
Hardiness Zone: 3 – 9
Bloom Season: Summer
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 1′ – 2′

Tradescantia Pallida: Purple Heart
Hardiness Zone: 9 – 12
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: Indeterminate

Salvia Rosmarinus: Rosemary
Hardiness Zone: 8 – 11
Sun Requirement: Full Sun
Grows To: 2′ – 6′
Plant Type: Shrub

Codiaeum Variegatum: Croton
Hardiness Zone:
Bloom Season:
Sun Requirement:
Hardiness Zone: 9 – 11
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 8′ – 10′

Tradescantia Callisia Repens: Pink Lady
Hardiness Zone: 9 – 12
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: Indeterminate

Peperomia Scandens: Cupid Peperomia
Hardiness Zone: 10
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun
Grows To: 8″ – 10″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 60 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Caladium: Unkn
Hardiness Zone: 9 – 12
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 10″ – 12″

Epripremnum Aureum Silver: Silver Pothos
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 8″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 45 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Tradescantia Albiflora: Wandering Gypsy
Hardiness Zone: 9 – 12
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: Indeterminate

Magnifera Indica: Mango
Hardiness Zone: 11 – 12
Sun Requirement: Full Sun
Grows To: 20′ – 30′

Solanum Lycopersicum: Tomato
Hardiness Zone: 3 – 9
Bloom Season: Summer
Sun Requirement: Full Sun
Grows To: Indeterminate

Epripremnum Aureum Golden: Golden Pothos
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 8″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 45 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Rhus: Sumac Tree
Hardiness Zone: 5 – 9
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 7′ – 15′

Catalpa Bignonioides: Catalpa Tree
Hardiness Zone: 5 – 9
Bloom Season: Spring
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: 20′ – 30′

Dracaena Trifasciata/Sansevieria Trifasciata: Snake Plant, Mother-in-Law’s Tongue
Hardiness Zone: 10
Bloom Season: Summer
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Shade
Grows To: 12″+
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 40 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Allium Fistulosum: Green Onion
Hardiness Zone: 5 – 9
Bloom Season: Fall
Sun Requirement: Full Sun
Grows To: 1′ – 2′

Saintpaulia Irish Laughter: Irish Laughter African Violet
Hardiness Zone:
Bloom Season:
Sun Requirement:
Grows To:
Minimum Temperature Indoors:
Plant Type:

Monstera Adansonii: Swiss Cheese Plant
Hardiness Zone: 10
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun
Grows To: 3′
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 45 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Philodendron Hederacum Heart: Heart Leaf Philodendron
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 8″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 45 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Epripremnum Aureum Pearls and Jade: Pearls and Jade Pothos
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 8″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 45 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

Aloe Vera: Aloe
Hardiness Zone: 10 – 12
Sun Requirement: Full Sun
Grows To: 1′ – 2′

Solanum Tuberosum: Potato
Hardiness Zone: 6 – 8
Bloom Season: Late Summer
Sun Requirement: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Grows To: Indeterminate

Epripremnum Aureum Snow Queen/Marble Queen: Snow Queen Pothos/Marble Queen Pothos
Sun Requirement: Partial Sun, Shade
Grows To: 8″
Minimum Temperature Indoors: 45 F
Plant Type: Easy Grower

What other kinds of information were you hoping to find? If you let me know, I may put together a list, based on my collection, in alphabetical order, with more information.

What plants do you have? Are you also a crazy plant lady? How long have you been collecting? Tell me ALL the things down in the comments!

xoxo

-S

Bonus Video!

You GUYS!

If you live near me you know we had an epic thunderstorm last night!

If you follow me on instagram you know I was out there taking pictures!

If you don’t, here they are:

Well – after all of that I had the grand idea to record about 10 minutes and make a looped video of the storm like you see all across the YouTube. There is a whole genre of ASMR, relaxing sound, sleep sound, rain, storm, fire, what-have-you videos.

I am aware that if I really wanted to do this up right I should have better sound equipment and a better camera set up (as right now you can hear me breathing and you can see the front porch door when the lightening flashes.) But! For my first attempt, it’s not too shabby.

So! If you’re looking for some ambience, go ahead and turn it on!

If you’re hoping that it was a longer video and you’re on a desktop, you can follow these steps to loop it further:

I absolutely love a good thunderstorm, especially at night! Hopefully you’ll find some relaxing ambience in this bonus video! This video I was only able to loop for an hour in production, but if you follow these steps you can loop it for even longer on your own!
– Open Video
– Right Click
– Open Loop Menu
– Set how you want it!

I hear tell that if you are on mobile and want to loop a video you just have to add it to a new play list and set the playlist on repeat!

Do you like these kinds of videos? I may be able to create some more, I’m not quite sure yet, but I’d love to give it a shot!

Let me know if either loop option works for you!

xoxo

-S

A Birthday Party For A Dog?

Don’t mind if I do!

Okay confession time… Today is NOT Kerbe’s birthday. Her birthday is June 8th. Guess what else? She turned 6 this year. HAH! I filmed this more than a year ago. haha

That being said – I DID make some fantastic treats that day (that I may or may not still have a jar of in the freezer…)

Do you want the recipe? Well here it is! (Or you can find it in the video description as well!)

I hope you enjoyed the recipe! I have a couple of more different kinds of recipes filmed so I’ll get those out eventually, too!

One last thing…

A Little Announcement:

Previously my upload schedule had been Wednesday and Friday, but I think that those days are a bit close together, I find there to be some scrambling on Thursdays to get videos up, and I really think that’s part of the upload issue with my videos. So – for NOW – I am going to try Wednesday and Saturday and see what that does for us. Hopefully that doesn’t cause some sort of inconvenience for you. -Sincerely, Management.

That’s all for now!

xoxo

-S

You’ve got to go down to go up…

Hi friends

Here’s today’s video. I would like to request you watch the video before finishing the blog-post today because there is some good, lighthearted content and a non-farm update there for ya! But (and fair warning here) the end of the video gets quite heavy hearted.

So go head.

Watch it.

Then we’ll come back here and we’ll have a little chat.

Did you watch it? Of course you did!

Welcome back.

First of all – I would like to say that I almost didn’t add that ranty bit at the end. I gave a lot of thought to the fact that it was an emotional dumpster fire and that I didn’t need to air that stuff out in public. Part of me wanted to just dismiss it as it being close to my moon time and thusly, emotions are high.

And then I thought “F*ck. That.”

Seriously.

For starters, it may not always be pretty, but that’s the entire point of me starting this channel. I cannot expect myself to move forward if I don’t work through these things, and if even just one person who is watching is going through the same thing, then maybe they will feel like they are not alone out there and they know that they have someone they can turn to, who is also struggling, but who is also trying.

And one more thing – girls – it’s not okay to let anyone else make you feel like your emotions are less valid just because you are at a certain space in your cycle, let alone make yourself feel that way. So let’s squash that right the eff now. Would I have been still feeling this way if it were two weeks from now? Probably. Would I have been feeling this raw and open about it? Maybe not. But now is not a time for pushing emotions aside and hoping they fix themselves. Now is a time for progress.

So, as mentioned in the video, I recently attended a funeral, that turned out to be an all day exercise in catharsis. The deceased was the father of a childhood friend and classmate and the exposure to the closeness of death, especially that of a parent, paired with the exhibition of the success of a few of my classmates in comparison (by my mind only) to my lack of success really got me spiraling.

I began to experience this swelling vulnerability within myself that I’ve always somewhat felt creep in; but the “adult” logical part of me used to keep that all at bay. However, now I’m filled with this emotional wanderlust that I just can’t fight off anymore.

When I was young I truly and blindly believed that I was destined to be a rock star some day – and often I can be heard telling people that I was far too old to accept that I was never going to be a rock god by the time that I did accept it. Which is true. It hasn’t been that long.

Who’s fault is that, though? Really – it’s mine and mine alone. Sure I somehow missed the class where they teach you that you can be anything you set your mind to (but you have to put in more work than you ever though possible, pair that up with a burning desire to success at all costs, and an unwillingness to accept that you likely won’t actually attain that desire because of things like bills, college, romantic interest, and the all around perversion of whimsy that comes about around the same time you lose your final baby tooth and therefore your last bit of innocence and hope.) Then I chose to let other things become more important to me such as keeping that menial job because I have to have something to pay the bills, oh and let’s not even get me started on the countless amount of boys I spent my hard earned dollars on making sure they had every last possible thing they could desire.

Now what am I left with? An overly achy, over-weight body, debt that seems grow exponentially, gray hair, and bunch of mundane SHIT laying around my house that makes me miserable.

HOLD UP.

Disclaimer: Yeah, I know. I sound like a whiney, cry-baby, little bitch. Wah Wah Wah. I understand that there are people out there who have actual bad lives. They don’t have access to food, shelter, water, or even a safe place to be. I do have those things. So yes, in the grand scheme of things, in the ledger of the entirety of the world and the people who have it truly bad, I don’t rank very high. BUT, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m unhappy. I also am aware than in the heat of the moment I used terms such as “poor” in regards to my financial situation and that the mindset around that is negative. Damnit, I was falling into a pool of despair and I just needed to be able to tread water a little bit.

I’m sitting here telling myself that I should just do the things I want to do. Okay… What are those things? I mean there are a couple of things I dare to dream of, but on a day-to-day basis, I simply could not tell you what it would be that I would like to fill my time with doing. Now, in an upcoming video were are going to discuss a few options, and I’ve conceded to the fact that two or three things is better than no things.

If I truly think about it, my problem is this: I don’t dare to dream. Or I don’t dare to dream big enough. I feel ridiculously guilty when I do; and because I don’t dream, I don’t have any motivation to try or and gumption.

It’s time to change that. It’s time to take my eighteen-year-old self and shake her by the shoulders and say “Saho, if that boy didn’t like that you were singing, the problem is with him and the brokenness inside of him, not with you. Don’t let anyone put out your flame!” It’s time to take my twenty-three-year-old self and sit her down and say “Saho, you don’t have to take care of everyone and try to be so grown up, you can love without putting yourself through all of that”.

It’s time to take my thirty-year-old self by the shoulders and say “Saho, just because you love someone does not mean you have to change who you are in order to be with them. What’s meant to be is meant to be.”

And it’s time to look in the mirror and say “Saho, you had your cry and now it’s time to asses what you don’t like about your life and start to make some changes if you ever hope to be truly happy. You have something to offer this world and you’re not too old to find it.”

A lot of what I said in the vlog I meant. Actually, all of it.

I do hate my job. But I’m no fool, I know I have to have a job. I have to be able to pay the bills, and you know what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with selling insurance. Nothing. But it’s not for me, I know that. Just like the logical decision making, yes, from the standpoint of financial security I am going down the right path, but I have to kill the wild thing inside of me in order to stay on that path and I don’t want to do that. I want to nurture the wild thing. Therefore, I may have to start giving up some of my creature comforts or find a different way to finance them, because as much I hate to admit it, money is what makes the world go ’round.

I don’t have children so that is not a factor in my decision making. I’d like to think that if I did have children that would skew my perspective a bit. Something that has bothered me for a long time is the fact that I don’t have children, so you would think that I would have some amazing life experiences under my belt, and in a way I suppose that I do, but not in the way I had hoped.

Friday’s video will stem off of today. It won’t be anywhere near as raw of a tear down, but I really truly felt that if we were going to REALLY level up, we needed to start from the bottom, and there it was.

I hope this kind of clarified some of my emotions. I’m not as forlorn as the video makes me sound. That was some heat of the moment stuff. BUT! It is something that affects my decisions in the waking day, my mental health, and even my dreams. If it were you, wouldn’t you want to make a change, too?

Thank you for sticking with me and I hope to see you soon!

xoxo

-S

P.S. – I just want to say one more thing – I had a smaller version of the conversation about wanting to be close to my parents with a patron of the bar I work at and he told me “you can’t think that way, your parents want you to live your life”. Well yes, of course they do, but I don’t want to be away from my parents. I moved really far away from my parents just as soon as I could and I wish I hadn’t. Plus my mom is my best friend. One of my dude’s friends told me once that he thought it was seriously messed up that his girlfriend is best friends with her mom. Excuse me? My mom is a wonderful person and you would be lucky to have her as a friend and I will fight anyone who challenges me on that.

Seriously, though, I moved back to my hometown to be closer to my parents and I’ll be damned if I just don’t even know how to talk to my dad. Not because of anything other than I just don’t know what to say. I try to get by there often, but that’s not always the case. If I were to move away now and something happened before I could work through that with myself I would never forgive myself. Never. I’ve always tried to live my life by making choices that would not lead to regret, and while that is a win some/lose some strategy (obviously or we wouldn’t be here) there are certain things I am not willing to compromise on.