Here’s today’s video. I would like to request you watch the video before finishing the blog-post today because there is some good, lighthearted content and a non-farm update there for ya! But (and fair warning here) the end of the video gets quite heavy hearted.
So go head.
Then we’ll come back here and we’ll have a little chat.
Did you watch it? Of course you did!
First of all – I would like to say that I almost didn’t add that ranty bit at the end. I gave a lot of thought to the fact that it was an emotional dumpster fire and that I didn’t need to air that stuff out in public. Part of me wanted to just dismiss it as it being close to my moon time and thusly, emotions are high.
And then I thought “F*ck. That.”
For starters, it may not always be pretty, but that’s the entire point of me starting this channel. I cannot expect myself to move forward if I don’t work through these things, and if even just one person who is watching is going through the same thing, then maybe they will feel like they are not alone out there and they know that they have someone they can turn to, who is also struggling, but who is also trying.
And one more thing – girls – it’s not okay to let anyone else make you feel like your emotions are less valid just because you are at a certain space in your cycle, let alone make yourself feel that way. So let’s squash that right the eff now. Would I have been still feeling this way if it were two weeks from now? Probably. Would I have been feeling this raw and open about it? Maybe not. But now is not a time for pushing emotions aside and hoping they fix themselves. Now is a time for progress.
So, as mentioned in the video, I recently attended a funeral, that turned out to be an all day exercise in catharsis. The deceased was the father of a childhood friend and classmate and the exposure to the closeness of death, especially that of a parent, paired with the exhibition of the success of a few of my classmates in comparison (by my mind only) to my lack of success really got me spiraling.
I began to experience this swelling vulnerability within myself that I’ve always somewhat felt creep in; but the “adult” logical part of me used to keep that all at bay. However, now I’m filled with this emotional wanderlust that I just can’t fight off anymore.
When I was young I truly and blindly believed that I was destined to be a rock star some day – and often I can be heard telling people that I was far too old to accept that I was never going to be a rock god by the time that I did accept it. Which is true. It hasn’t been that long.
Who’s fault is that, though? Really – it’s mine and mine alone. Sure I somehow missed the class where they teach you that you can be anything you set your mind to (but you have to put in more work than you ever though possible, pair that up with a burning desire to success at all costs, and an unwillingness to accept that you likely won’t actually attain that desire because of things like bills, college, romantic interest, and the all around perversion of whimsy that comes about around the same time you lose your final baby tooth and therefore your last bit of innocence and hope.) Then I chose to let other things become more important to me such as keeping that menial job because I have to have something to pay the bills, oh and let’s not even get me started on the countless amount of boys I spent my hard earned dollars on making sure they had every last possible thing they could desire.
Now what am I left with? An overly achy, over-weight body, debt that seems grow exponentially, gray hair, and bunch of mundane SHIT laying around my house that makes me miserable.
Disclaimer: Yeah, I know. I sound like a whiney, cry-baby, little bitch. Wah Wah Wah. I understand that there are people out there who have actual bad lives. They don’t have access to food, shelter, water, or even a safe place to be. I do have those things. So yes, in the grand scheme of things, in the ledger of the entirety of the world and the people who have it truly bad, I don’t rank very high. BUT, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m unhappy. I also am aware than in the heat of the moment I used terms such as “poor” in regards to my financial situation and that the mindset around that is negative. Damnit, I was falling into a pool of despair and I just needed to be able to tread water a little bit.
I’m sitting here telling myself that I should just do the things I want to do. Okay… What are those things? I mean there are a couple of things I dare to dream of, but on a day-to-day basis, I simply could not tell you what it would be that I would like to fill my time with doing. Now, in an upcoming video were are going to discuss a few options, and I’ve conceded to the fact that two or three things is better than no things.
If I truly think about it, my problem is this: I don’t dare to dream. Or I don’t dare to dream big enough. I feel ridiculously guilty when I do; and because I don’t dream, I don’t have any motivation to try or and gumption.
It’s time to change that. It’s time to take my eighteen-year-old self and shake her by the shoulders and say “Saho, if that boy didn’t like that you were singing, the problem is with him and the brokenness inside of him, not with you. Don’t let anyone put out your flame!” It’s time to take my twenty-three-year-old self and sit her down and say “Saho, you don’t have to take care of everyone and try to be so grown up, you can love without putting yourself through all of that”.
It’s time to take my thirty-year-old self by the shoulders and say “Saho, just because you love someone does not mean you have to change who you are in order to be with them. What’s meant to be is meant to be.”
And it’s time to look in the mirror and say “Saho, you had your cry and now it’s time to asses what you don’t like about your life and start to make some changes if you ever hope to be truly happy. You have something to offer this world and you’re not too old to find it.”
A lot of what I said in the vlog I meant. Actually, all of it.
I do hate my job. But I’m no fool, I know I have to have a job. I have to be able to pay the bills, and you know what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with selling insurance. Nothing. But it’s not for me, I know that. Just like the logical decision making, yes, from the standpoint of financial security I am going down the right path, but I have to kill the wild thing inside of me in order to stay on that path and I don’t want to do that. I want to nurture the wild thing. Therefore, I may have to start giving up some of my creature comforts or find a different way to finance them, because as much I hate to admit it, money is what makes the world go ’round.
I don’t have children so that is not a factor in my decision making. I’d like to think that if I did have children that would skew my perspective a bit. Something that has bothered me for a long time is the fact that I don’t have children, so you would think that I would have some amazing life experiences under my belt, and in a way I suppose that I do, but not in the way I had hoped.
Friday’s video will stem off of today. It won’t be anywhere near as raw of a tear down, but I really truly felt that if we were going to REALLY level up, we needed to start from the bottom, and there it was.
I hope this kind of clarified some of my emotions. I’m not as forlorn as the video makes me sound. That was some heat of the moment stuff. BUT! It is something that affects my decisions in the waking day, my mental health, and even my dreams. If it were you, wouldn’t you want to make a change, too?
Thank you for sticking with me and I hope to see you soon!
P.S. – I just want to say one more thing – I had a smaller version of the conversation about wanting to be close to my parents with a patron of the bar I work at and he told me “you can’t think that way, your parents want you to live your life”. Well yes, of course they do, but I don’t want to be away from my parents. I moved really far away from my parents just as soon as I could and I wish I hadn’t. Plus my mom is my best friend. One of my dude’s friends told me once that he thought it was seriously messed up that his girlfriend is best friends with her mom. Excuse me? My mom is a wonderful person and you would be lucky to have her as a friend and I will fight anyone who challenges me on that.
Seriously, though, I moved back to my hometown to be closer to my parents and I’ll be damned if I just don’t even know how to talk to my dad. Not because of anything other than I just don’t know what to say. I try to get by there often, but that’s not always the case. If I were to move away now and something happened before I could work through that with myself I would never forgive myself. Never. I’ve always tried to live my life by making choices that would not lead to regret, and while that is a win some/lose some strategy (obviously or we wouldn’t be here) there are certain things I am not willing to compromise on.